im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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