All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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