I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
