Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
