I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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