another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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