my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
