We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
