there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
