A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
