covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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