I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
