My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
