help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
