Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
