my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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