i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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