you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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