no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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