I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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