what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
