you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
