I got chris browned last night
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
