Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
