my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
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Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
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You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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