did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
