Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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