Jerry, you need to find god
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
