apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
