I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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