Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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