Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Drunk is not a location!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
