the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm like, not good at living.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
