The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
