She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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