Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
