How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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