hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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