god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
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I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
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I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else