Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
