I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
