worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
