Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
