i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
