uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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