I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
