Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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