mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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