I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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