Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
