Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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