Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
