My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Randomize
