I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sext me about skeletons
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
