I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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