Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
