i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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